i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
