I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
