Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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