My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
