i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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