Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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