how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
