i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
