Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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