I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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