Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
