The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
