I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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