Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
