I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
they call him Oral-B. enough said
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
