I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
