I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
