I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
