Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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