I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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