we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
