I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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