I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
