This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize