My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
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