I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
