i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
