I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
