I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
