Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Couch. On fire.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
