So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
