So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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