This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
