According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
sarcasm needs its own font
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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