Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
