If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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