I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i drank out of a bidet.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
