This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
