Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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