I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
