Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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