Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
