got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Come on in and take your pants off
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