it's not cheating when I paid for it
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
