Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
