You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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