i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
