someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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