I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
