You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
