well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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