Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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