dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We have so much sex to catch up on
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
