I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
