I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
