I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
