My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
